grivences | Ryslig: Inbox

[It's the time of night where the city sleeps, but Miles is still wide awake. As he is now, his body doesn't really seem to need sleep, but his limbs still ache with the phantom need to rest, regardless of how alert his mind is. He isn't sure he'd want to sleep, anyways.

As if the back-ends weren't bad enough, the massacre he now feels responsible for is too fresh in his mind. He wanders his apartment like a specter, there but not, finding little solace in his record player or his sketchbook. He isn't sure why, but at some point, he pulls out his laptop.

Like sending texts to uncle Aaron's phone after he died, Miles opens up a private chat with Robin's network name.]

hey

[What does he even say? He doesn't expect a reply, because Robin isn't coming back, but how is he supposed to begin to unpack these intense feelings of guilt?]

im sorry i couldnt protect you
im sorry i couldnt be a better hero for you

[Miles' cold fingertips hover over the keyboard a moment longer.]

im gonna miss the way you razzed me honestly

[He's going to miss his first friend in Ryslig.]

[ Her response doesn't come right away. Miles might be thinking it won't come at all, for several reasons. But the truth is, Robin has other things on her mind after she wakes up on the shores of Lake Dala, her one good shirt completely ruined and no awareness of what day it is. To make matters worse, the acid rain is still pouring down, so it takes her some time to make her way back to the Palazzo, where her laptop is waiting with an unread message. ]

Well, good news? The razzing doesn't have to stop.

[ There are probably more delicate ways of saying, "hey, I'm alive, actually" but Robin has never been known as a delicate person. ]

You have nothing to be sorry for. We were both attacked. If anything, you were being very Emilio back there.

[Miles doesn't expect a response back.

How many "I love you"s and "I miss our rap seshes" has he texted to his uncle, hoping for a response, only to go to bed another day knowing that he'd never get to see, hug him again?

It hits him like a freight train. Overwhelming sadness, shock, relief. He's pretty sure he saw her mangled body. He's not so stupid as to think she survived that mauling.

So how?]

i guess he was in me all along

[He doesn't even care to think about how stupid that might sound. Fuck, he's happy regardless. He's wiping his eyes without even realizing it.]

what happened
i mean, i KNOW you died
are you a zombie, too?

No, I'm pretty sure I'm still... Whatever the hell I was before. A weird, small, blue hedgehog person. Not sure which monster category that falls under.

I don't really get it myself. I definitely DIED. That part's for sure. Then I just... woke up? At that lake West of Bavan.

What about you, are you okay??

["Sonic" isn't a monster type, he's pretty sure. It's a video game character. Anyways—

Miles' fingers pause over his keyboard, tap out a response, delete it, then tap out another. How honest should he be? What they went through... He hardly wants to think about it. He's been refusing to. But, maybe she's the only one he can really talk to about this, in the end.]

that monster didn't finish me off, he left me for some reason
i was probably gonna bleed out but another guy came along and offered to make it stop
i was gonna die anyways... I figured a faster way out was better
so i let him

then i woke up in those halls again
but different
i was some sort of undead thing and i

[He stops abruptly. He can't say it. Just thinking about it makes him want to puke again, and he's barely held down a meal in days already.]

[ Sonic the Hedgehog is another modern reference that someone will have to explain to Robin, someday. Not right now. Right now, Robin is getting the sense that Miles is struggling to talk about what happened to him after she died, which she totally doesn't blame him for. ]

You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to.
If you do, I'm here, and I'll listen.
But if it's too hard, that's okay too.

[The offer to talk hangs between them like a carrot.

In a way, he's glad that Robin doesn't brush it off because, well... He does want to talk about it. Very much so. It's the whole reason he went to Sigrud—why he'd been reduced to coming to Robin's inbox without any expectation of response, when that backfired.

But it's complicated, and he isn't sure where to start. Never mind the trauma of actually reliving the experience.]

something changed in me
i dont know if its cause i turned into a zombie or what
but i didnt feel like myself

i was so angry, so

[His fingers tremble over the keyboard, seconds stretching to agonizing lengths. Like a bandaid, Miles.]

i was hungry, robin

[ Ah. ]

Yeah.

[ What is there to say besides that? Robin hates that this is the new normal. She hates that she's killed and eaten two people now. Thankfully, the hunger hasn't come back since she stopped being a half-angel, half-devil. She knows it's only a matter of time before it comes back, and not knowing for sure what kind of monster she's turning into, she has no way of knowing what form her next deadly meal will take.

It hangs over her head like the sword of Damocles. ]

I'm sorry.
It's happened to me, too. Before, when I first got here, and then again during that weird week when we were all different combinations of things.

A part of me hopes it'll get easier.
But most of me doesn't want it to.

[It's happened to him once, and to Robin twice. Is this normal?

All of a sudden, it feels like the world is rushing in on Miles much too fast. Breaths are sucked through his teeth too frantic on instinct, sending his mind into a dizzying series of questions. Why didn't Peter tell him about this? Was Peter just trying to protect him...? How much has been kept from him, despite being stuck in this dimension for so long?

He doesn't even realize that his lack of response has stretched into minutes, five, then ten... For a long while, Miles doesn't answer. He just stares wide-eyed at nothing, his shoulders heaving and the space where his heart should be fluttering uncomfortably.

How much more will he have to endure before they can get out of here? And if he leaves... What happens to the people that stay behind? This isn't his dimension, and he has his own obligations to uphold but—what sort of hero would he be if he left a whole other world behind to deal with this evil alone?]

[ It's unclear whether Robin hasn't caught on to the existential crisis Miles is having, or if she has, and she's just continuing to type anyway, to give him the time he needs to pull his thoughts together.

(It's about 50/50 either way.) ]

Supposedly, there are systems in place to help, depending on how your kind of monster is supposed to feed.
Like there's a soup kitchen for people who eat meat.

[ It still feels pretty wrong, referring to actual people who have been killed as "meat," but Robin is trying to divorce her logic and emotions from the necessities she's been forced into. ]

I don't know a ton about zombies, but I could try to do some research for you?
Somebody wrote a guide about the different kinds of monsters, what to expect, etc.
I had a copy, but it kind of got destroyed.
I've been meaning to get another one, but I haven't gotten around ot it yet.

[It's a lot. The information, the sensation, like there's too much him in this moment and he just wants to be anywhere but this harrowing reality. He wants to be home, where when the walls felt too close, he could reach for his mom, or his dad, and get the anchorage he needs.

But he doesn't have them right now, nor will he any time soon. All he has is the scant few friends he's made here, that couldn't possibly fill the void opening up beneath him even if they were all combined.

Maybe if he can just peel himself from this moment, it'll all be okay.]

yea um

[He finally types with shaking hands, as he tries to swallow down that panic—as if the many minutes that have lapsed between their messages weren't even worth acknowledging.]

i dont think that place can help me
i dont know how it worked but i didnt e
kill her
normally
it was something else
i um

infected her with something

[The feeling of her fur and skin going soft, malleable under his palms, is still too visceral. The color of purple-black bruising, of bloody pustules swelling and erupting open only for her flesh to eat away and cave in on itself... He clenches his eyes shut, briefly, to will the memory from his forebrain.]

i dont know what happened after
just
she was dead

so if that book could help id like that
i need to know whats happening to me robin

[ She knows not everyone feeds on meat. She already ate a soul once, even if she tries very hard not to think about the fact that that happened. She kind of blacked out for it anyway, which helps. It seems like Miles wasn't that lucky. ]

OK. Gameplan.
I'm going to get another copy of this book.
We're going to figure out what monster you're turning into, and what we can do to make the whole thing [ ... ] easier.

[Miles likes gameplans. A rigid structure he can focus on feels best right now, like tangible steps to accomplishing a goal he's not well aware of. At the very least, if they can find out what he is, then working around it until he can get the fuck out of here will be a little easier.

The fluttering sensation filling the space of his empty chest cavity seems to ebb a bit.]

yea
yea thats good
i think someone said theres some resources like that at the uh
community center or something
maybe we should look there?

[And with the gameplan rolling, Miles has enough of a mind to feel a hint of curiosity...]

does this mean you know whats you are?

Yeah, I'll head there later to pick up a new copy. I'll try to snag one for you, too, if they have enough.

And no, not really.
So far I'm just... blue, short, and spiky.
I've got pointed ears like an elf, but that's not really a defining feature.

never heard of a blue elf
esp not one thats spiky
we can probably rule out smurf

[He's only half kidding, trying to use the joke to buoy his own mood from wallowing in panic and pity both.]

...hey
i really appreciate you tho
youre like... really strong
idk what id do without a friend here like you robin

As much as I would love to be a monster from a Saturday morning cartoon, I think you're right. Definitely not a Smurf.

[ Oh. Okay. That was... a compliment she wasn't expecting.

No one's ever called her strong before. But then, most people only see her in the context of being Steve's best friend. And it's obvious out of the two of them which one is the stronger one. ]

I really appreciate you too.
I don't know if I ever told you, but...
When I first came here, a couple months before the trap house, I had my best friend from home here. Steve. He's the one who really made me feel like I could survive here.
But then I kind of got lost in the Sea of Stars for a month.
And when I came back, Steve wasn't here anymore.
His turn to get lost in the Sea of Stars, I guess.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I'm just trying to do what Steve would have done.
If I'm strong, it's because he would be strong, if he were here.

[ Sometimes, that's easier said than done. ]

I'm really glad to have a friend like you.
It makes missing Steve hurt a lot less.

[Miles isn't sure what to say, really. To share in the memory of someone so important, so sorely missed, feels monumental. It feels like he has something he has to protect more—not just Robin, but this memory of Steve, too. He makes a vow, quietly, that he'll make sure to visit the graveyard and search for the name.

Maybe he'll have a conversation, the first one he's had with a gravestone since Peter Parker.]

this steve guy sounds like a good dude
i wish i couldve met him...

figuring out how to survive here
im still not sure how to go about it
i do know that having good people around you helps
so im glad that i can be that for you
and youre definitely that for me too

i had a friend who helped me a lot
her name is gwen and she...
she made me feel a lot less lonely
like she and i were the only two people who could understand each other
im used to her not being around much
but youve got the same kinda strength she has

so i guess were even when it comes to making the hurt a lot less

Ryslig: Inbox

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